It's been 11 days after the break up... Though i'm not emotionally stable yet but my heart do feel a less heavier than the past week. I'm done grieving over his infidelity and i don't feel like talking about him anymore. I want to end everything about him.... No bottling negative emotions, no blaming games... I know that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret and hatred toward him. I'm getting sick of it... I just wanna let it all go. Although it's over, although he wasted it but i never regret meeting him and share my 7 years with him because it was indeed special in its own way. We clicked & understood each other. I never felt so much comfortable around a person but him. But that was yesterday. Both of us tried but both of us has made our own mistakes. It did not work out simply because it was not meant to be. Instead of regretting it, i'm proud of myself for being brave enough to take risk and strong enough to be able to bounce back from a hard fall. Letting go of resentment give my heart a sense of relief.
Although we broke up but i do not consider the relationship to be a total failure since i learned something from it. In life, we need to take the good and the bad. It is the same with relationship. At least for now, I know what i want from a guy, from a relationship and i know precisely what kind of guy i need to avoid in the next relationship. Yes, 7 years did not work out for me but i guess it is necessary in order to make me a better person and becoming who i meant to be. I never settle for less & i won't take nonsense from people anymore.
I see many people could get stuck and unable to recover from their past relationship because of infidelity. Thus, they had a hard time dealing with the trust issue. I felt the same way. I feel like i couldn't trust any guy anymore after being played with lies & guilt over and over again. I was afraid to fall in love & let myself be vulnerable again because betrayal by someone we love hurts so much and i certainly don't want to go through that situation again. My heart just couldn't survive another heartbreak. But to think about it again, i won't be able to survive a relationship where i don't have anyone to trust because i need honesty in my life. I need to spend my life with someone who i can be honest with and whom i can trust. I don't wanna live my life in lies forever. For me, if i go into a relationship without trust, the relationship is already a failure before it even started. Because to give only a little piece of me meaning to only receive a little in return but everyone deserves better than that. Everyone deserves love like a fairy tale. Not every guy is like the guy i dated and not every relationship is the same. But before jumping into another relationship, i'll make sure that my heart is fully healed and ready. Now, it's still under maintenance.
I know i'm trying to be positive. Looking at the beautiful sides of everything in life gives me strength to move on. Keep telling myself that the break up is the best thing for both of us. Although memories are killing me right now but i'm sure i'll get over it, i'll get over him. When the day i can feel to be myself again finally came, that will be my accomplishment. For now, i'm trying to live well by pampering myself. Hanging out and meeting people just to let time passes by. I lost myself & i need to find it back. I just wanna go out... let loose and do things that i've always wanted to do :)
