About LoVe

  • “I’ve been in love before, it’s like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day you want more. You’re not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes then forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he’s not there, you feel like an addict who can’t get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you’re willing to do anything for love.”
  • “When someone leaves, its because someone else is about to arrive — I’ll find love again.”
  • “The most important thing in all human relationships is conversation, but people don’t talk anymore, they don’t sit down to talk and listen. They go to the theater, the cinema, watch television, listen to the radio, read books, but they almost never talk. If we want to change the world, we have to go back to a time when warriors would gather around a fire and tell stories.”
  • “Sometimes you have to travel a long way to find what is near.”
  • When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.
-By Paulo Coelho :)

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When u're trying to be the best...

..... Right from start, when i started everything over, i wanted a perfect ending.. I tried to be the best he's ever had.. But it's breaking my heart knowing i was taken for granted.. I never want to repeat my past life.. I never want to go through all those painful lies ever again.. I really wanted it to be perfect.. But perfection doesn't come from 1 side when that world involves 2 persons... Sad... His insecurities over his past made him incapable of honesty & sincerity... Thinking maybe i'm just the same like any other girl he met... We're two broken souls... But he was lost in his own world... Didn't have a clue on what he really wanted.. When i was sure to choose him over other guys...

It leaves a hole in my heart thinking the one i chose treated me like a fool the moment when love is the most real thing i've ever felt.. In the end of the day, when other girls didn't work out for him, he went to me...the backed up one a.k.a the 2nd choice... And it leaves me feeling like the biggest idiot on earth.. Thinking that he loves me the way i did...

I don't deserve that... Not a bit... I don't deserve this pain.. I don't deserve to suffer someone else's mistakes... Im tired... And now this heart is half empty...

Love is not a game....
But he played me well...

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Tired

...... Of being the good girl that no one ever appreciate... Why? When i never did anything wrong? Then why must i am the one who got hurt? Every.single.time....


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Another first time

Yes... yesterday's evening a colleague came for my help to give motivational talks this morning.... yep... another last minute's task... and i NEVER.... never give any motivational talk ever in my life.. so u can say it's another one of "bidang terjun" again... sigh~~~

Soooo... another first time, first trial... yeah, i accepted the challenge.. i challenged myself this morning... like ususal, i didn't do much thinking about how i would perform..
Instead, i juz gave my best for it
and it was surprisingly fun :)
I'm glad i took the chance.. i learn another thing today :)
i can say i would love to do it again if given the chance...
well, like what people say, u wouldn't know unless u try & give it ur best..

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The One

Everyone deserve to have that one person who

>>can speak right through your heart

>>cheers u up on ur rainy days

>>makes u believe whenever u doubt urself

>>makes u want to become a better person

>>enjoys talking to u doesn't matter how silly the conversation goes

>>scold u when u don't take good care of ur health

>>knows how to take good care of u

>>thinks u're the best person in the world even with 101 of ur weaknesses


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Is it even fair?

In life, we met different kinds of people... thus every time we fall in love, 
we'll experience different kinds of love... 
so does making comparison of your past and your present is even a fair thing to do?  
Seriously, this thing keeps messing with my mind not because of jealousy.. i'm well aware of the differences... and i'm the one who knows myself better (though there are a person who can read me like a book) i know i'm born with many flaws and of course gifted with many advantages also.. (baby, i'm in a different league) but  to make comparison just to destroy my self esteem is just unacceptable to me... by saying all of those things, how would that makes me feel? how would that makes anyone feel? No one wants to be with a person who thinks other's are better than them...

P/s: i STILL can't brain this..

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Updates

It's been a while since i've posted anything... i started this blog to share all my beautiful moments but it looks like it's filled with all my heartache moment.. sigh~~ maybe i should change the address to myheartache@blogspot.com instead  

well, these past weeks have been very hectic to me... 

>>Organized a HUGE scale event involving 100 elementary kidssss.... (seriously, KIDSSS)

>>Organizing entrepreneurship course for a group of adults... (yeah, ADULTSSSS)

>>Dealing with external organization that is overly demanding & unprofessional

>>Struggling with tons of paper worksssssss  as it is the procedure for any event

But despite all of these, as an optimist girl who's always look at the bright side of life, i learned a lot of things,,, seriously A LOT... it feels like i'm going through 2 weeks super intensive crash course of event organizing.... moreover, it was my first time for a lot of things... my first time handling kids, my first time giving talk to adults, first time of dealing with external organizations, my first time dealing with procedures... 

Just whenever i'm in distress, a little support would be nice... i need a little strength back there... hmm..  

Despite of all the stress & exhaustion, i'm proud of myself.. i'm proud of the new experience that i've gathered... :)

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Even the strongest people fall apart


Having the hurt u didn't deserve is like being sentence over someone else's crime..... Happens to the good ones, those who play by the rules and always do the right things... But when people they love started to cross the boundaries, committing sins whether intentionally or not, they're the ones who pay for it... being punished for mistakes they didn't do... they got hurt so bad..

How bad?

“Why is this happening to me?, what did i do wrong?“ the questions they asked themselves over and over again since there's no answer to it and they'll start to blame themselves over their innocence for trusting too easy... And most of the times they wish it never happened... and wonder how their life would've been so much better if they weren't hurt at the first place...

They prone to get sensitive to certain song, movies, words, since the memory of it will trigger so much hurt and painful feelings.. They don't want to ever think about it but the mind just keep on replaying the conversations, the lies, the stories over and over again... and hurt over time becomes resentment.. resentment becomes anger and nightmares... and having these nightmares are just like swallowing poisons that eventually leads to self-destruction... 

They tried to comfort themselves by telling all the positive things they could and by hoping to discover answers that will help them making sense of everything that have happened.

 That is what being hurt really means... this is how mistakes of those we love can consume us... 
and the heartache goes deeper to the innocent minds... 

I guess after all... forgive, forget and move on is easier said than done..

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Just a thought

why do i blogged? simple....  because i've something to say.... and well, no one to listen... so i juz pour every single thought in the blog... it's my freedom of speech... the way i best express myself comfortably... 

Just a mere thought... why do we always hear women say something like "guys are all the same?" well, most guys i met are different but yes, proven to be the same in certain situations...

Situation 1: When they haven't got the girl

Every guy in this situation loves the hunt.... well, people say men are hunter right? they love the feeling of hunting and conquering the trophy... and at this moment, they will show their best personality ever... trying to be as gentlemen as they could to cherish the girl... giving her all of the attention in the world.. showing how deep they care for her... making the girl feels as if she's the most important person to him... 

Situation 2: When they got the girl

After love are confessed.... and they got used to be together... got to know each other better... then all the gentlemen thingy are gone... along with the attention and whatever thing they used to do to make the girl fell in love with them.... they go back to being themselves... showing their true color.... and the girl started to think... why did he changed? am i not important anymore? this is not the guy i fell in love with... and some girl... will start to find "the one they used to fall in love with a.k.a the one that used to cherish her" in some other guy.... and soon she'll see that the cycle will happen again.... exactly the same cycle,.... so she started to come into the conclusion, "men are all the same"...

we rarely heard men said something like "women are all the same" naaahhh.... we heard they said something like "women are complicated".... because they simply don't have the ability to read emotions... all women are the same in the sense that we want someone who love us unconditionally... by "love" it means someone who at least show that they care... Aren't the responsibility of men to take care of ur women? If women can take care of themselves, then what's the purpose of men in this world? Being single and alone is better that feeling alone when u're in a relationship with someone.... that's the worst feeling.... 


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My guardian angel

Watch over me.....

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Silence




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I'm used to it






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I wish...

I wish things would stay the same way it used to be...

I wish we were as loving as before...

I wish the one i need the most would always stay by my side...

I wish the one i love the most wouldn't leave me alone anymore...


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Insane

Every night i'm crying... Every night i'm stress out.. Every night i can't sleep.. Every day being like dis feels like i'm about to go insane.... I don't know how deep my heart can take it..

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Falling apart

My heart breaks one more time... We're falling apart and he couldn't see it.. I just want us to be together.. And he doesn't know how much i want him to stay by my side... Every time he leaves, i wish it'll be the last.. That he'll never leave me alone anymore.. But i guess he doesn't think that way.. That me being alone is okay... i dont think i can go through this.. Im tired of crying myself to sleep.. I'm tired of all these fights... Another 2~3 years being like this? It'll will only cause too much pain.. Ottokaji? Maybe i should forget what i want... Since it's not going to happen anytime soon... Forget the future that i've dreamed of since he wanted it differently... Forget that i'm waiting for someone since he's already forgotten that there's a girl waiting for him... and maybe juz do my own thing.. And stop thinking about the future that's uncertain...

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Cant sleep

Truth is.. I dont wanna care much.. But somehow i just cant help feeling this sad.. Why do i even have too much tears to cry? It's heartbreaking... And it's tiring to feel sad over the same thing all over again... If missing the one u love so bad is wrong... Then i wish i could just forget this feeling...


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Things u'll never understand

Ignoring me like this..... Always makes me very sad :"(

Always.....


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Karma

Karma... What u give to the world will always comes back to u... That's why i always believe in doing the right thing.. But doing the right thing doesn't stop the hurtful things from happening... And as much as we love karma, it doesn't change the fact that the damage is done... What i really wished for.. That i was never broken at the 1st place..


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Stay Inspired

1. Remove clutter from your life

To stay inspired and motivated, you will need to remove all the clutter from your life. Organizing your desk, cleaning your house and throwing away everything you don’t need or use anymore are the major things to do to stay inspired every day. If you don’t want to throw away your old clothing, you can donate them to a charity, since there are many people who probably need them.

2. Take care of your health

Another thing you should do to stay inspired and achieve all your goals is to stay healthy each day. You won’t be able to accomplish all your tasks, if you don’t take care of your health. Eat healthy, drink enough water, exercise, and stress less. Also, make sure you get 7-8 hours of sleep each night. Although it’s difficult to find time to relax when you have to accomplish plenty of important tasks, you need to take breaks every now and then to stay healthy and inspired.

3. Don’t stop learning

Knowledge is power, so you should never stop learning, especially if you want to stay motivated every single day. Make some time to read something interesting each day, because reading is one of the best ways to increase knowledge. You can also watch some tutorials online – many studies show that conducting research helps increase your capabilities.

4. Schedule your day

To stay focused and inspired, you should organize yourself and schedule your day so that you will have enough time for accomplishing your tasks and for doing things you like. Make it a habit to make your to-do list every morning and ensure you stick to your daily schedule. I usually work on one task, have a 10-15 minute break, and then start working on another task.

5. Do something new

It is so easy to get stuck in the same routine every day, so doing something new is always a good idea. It can be anything from accomplishing a harder task, learning a new language to baking a cake and joining a dance class. In one word, do anything that will inspire you to achieve all your goals.

6. Stop procrastinating

‘Procrastination is the thief of time,’ and it’s true. Procrastination is number one enemy of success. Stop procrastinating and start doing. I know how it’s easy to find more interesting thing to do when you have plenty of tasks to accomplish. But try to avoid all distractions and try to do your work according to your schedule to become more successful and achieve your goals.

7. Keep a journal

Keeping a journal is a wonderful way to track your progress and see how successful you are. Write down each small thing that you have found exciting or that troubles you. Your journal can be an excellent source of inspiration, and it can help you stay on track and achieve your goals.

8. Be thankful for what you have

It’s always important to stay thankful for everything you have, even if it’s not what you really wanted. When you wake up in the morning, think about 5-10 things you’re thankful for and you’ll see how inspired and happy you’ll feel during that day. Gratitude boosts happiness, so be grateful for things you have every single day.

9. Do things you enjoy

No matter how busy you are, you need to find time to do things you enjoy. Life is not just about work. Take a short break every now and then to recharge your batteries and get back your strength and energy. Just indulge in one of your favorite things once in a while and you will see how motivated you will feel after having some me time.

Source: http://en.amerikanki.com/stay-inspired-achieve-goals/

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Am i not worth it?


And the day finally came... 
U cant be yourself around me...
U feel like u don't have freedom...
As if i'm blaming u for everything...
Have me questioning myself... am i that bad?

Nobody should make me feel sooo bad about myself... but nowadays... it just gets worst..

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No one will understand





Like having a broken ribs, hurts every time u breathe

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Feeling miserable inside






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Down

This relationship puts too much stress on me... isn't someone u love supposed to see all the good in u?

When all they point out is the bad in u.. it felt horrible... though u never meant it..
Somehow it breaks my heart... i dont wanna cry anymore but my tears keep flowing down...


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Those kind of guys

When i see guys, i owez can separate them into categories.... The friend-zone category, the asshole category, the lame ones, the boyfriend material, the husband material, the rebound type and etc... But the kind i despise the most are those who sees me not more than a walking thermometer... all they see & love is the outside or what i look like... few sees what beneath me... who i really am inside... makes me feel like a toy... i see the sincerity in people and i often like them becoz of that but i guess not everyone see what i see... it's disappointing...


well i guess i juz have to dress up and be pretty... being goodhearted is off no use in a world these days... 

#myattitudeisbasedonhowutreateme

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What (Most) Women Really Want…

We want to be pursued. Not endlessly asked to “hang out.” (And especially not asked to “hang out” at 3:00 am.) We don’t want to be treated like “one of the guys.” We want to be your LADY. And we want to be treated like it. We want a little time invested into the plans. And I said time, not money. We don’t care if it’s dinner at Olive Garden and a Redbox rental, as long as you put a little thought and effort into it.
Please pick us up and come to the door. When you honk the horn to alert us you’re there, we feel undervalued or like we’re responding to a cattle call. And we aren’t cattle. We’re ladies.
Please open the car door, and the door to the restaurant. Bonus points if you pull out our chair. And EXTRA bonus points if you stand, old school-style, when we excuse ourselves to go to the restroom.
We want you to pay for dinner. At least the first few times. We don’t feel entitled and we won’t just assume that you’re going to. In fact, we’ll offer to pay half…but it gives our heart that extra flutter when you won’t hear of it. We love to be reminded that chivalry is still very much alive.
We want to be respected. We want to laugh. We want to be flirted with. We love “good morning” and “good night” texts. (But we don’t love when texts always take the place of calls.) We like to talk on the phone late into the night, knowing we have to be up in three hours but not caring because we love talking to you THAT much. We like when you notice that we got our hair cut or lost five pounds.  We like to be winked at. We love intelligent banter and witty sparring.
We like when you like our friends. We love when you like our family.
When you ask us how our day was, we love it when you actually LISTEN.
We want you to have goals and dreams and ambition. You don’t have to have tons of money or drive a fancy car or shower us with extravagant gifts…but we want you to be passionate and driven to achieve something. We want to know that you’re willing to challenge yourself and reach for something greater. Even if you don’t catch it. (We’ll be there even if you don’t catch it).
We really love it when you come up behind us and put your arms around us when we’re sad, or stressed, or having a bad day.
We want you to buy us little gifts, just because. A single rose. A surprise Frappuccino from Starbucks. That scarf we’ve been eyeballing for a week in the window of the boutique down the street.
We want you to be our best friend, our safe haven, our calm in the storm, a shoulder to cry on, the killer of the spiders, the assembler of bookshelves when the only instructions that came with them are in Greek, the defender of our honor when we come under attack from the world or our boss or the mean person on the Internet.
We want you to love us even when we’re not being very lovable (because we’ll do the same for you). We want you to be willing to fight it out or talk it out or work it out instead of going to bed angry. We want you to be honest when we ask you if these pants make us look fat (okay…no we don’t).
This is what (most) women really want.
It really is as simple…and as complicated…as that.
Source: http://thesinglewoman.net/2014/01/13/what-most-women-really-want/

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Day by day

so many things to say....
but he's not there to listen...

and i'm tired of the same thing over & over & over again.....
communications.... communications... communications....

why izzit owez so hard? i've no idea....
i've tried it all but it doesn't seems to work...

it's frustrating... equally depressing....
to feel like he doesn't care... while i'm missing him....

when i need him, i ended up
being the badass for not understanding...
and the egocentric for pushing myself away....

am i not worth it?
T.T











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Deeply saddened

Just another sad night.... and my tears flowing down again..... :"(


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When every effort's a waste

It's sooooooooooooo soooo sooooo frustrating when every effort u do to make things right are wasted...  It's like no matter what i do things juz wont work... why izzit so damn hard to communicate? Izzit my fault again? It's making me soooooo mad at myself... #heartache


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when the heart explodes

Honestly? it was too scary... all the painful words keep playing over & over in my head and crushed me... Things i never expected came from him... he owez has dis goody nice guy image in my eyes and now... he's juz too scary... done it once, he'll do it again... It strucks me how bad he see's me in his eyes.... it stresses me to the point where i want to juz cried my heart out thinking i failed being a good gf... thinking how much i was a fool all this while for literaly loving him too much with every single piece of my heart..... dats how much his words can affect me... i dont think i can ever be okay after such words...

but then, i remember the thing i promise myself... doesn't matter how bad the world knock me down... no one... NO ONE can take the good away from me... i will not allow that... i am what i am.. i value my self when no one does... i always love myself when no one does... i never treat myself wrong... yes, im vain.. i am a narc... but it's better like that... i do what i like.. and i sealed my heart away from anything that could hurt it....

i may not valuable to anyone but im valuable to me... i may not be better than any girls but im in my own league... i play by my own rules, i am my own boss and my happiness lays in my own hand... it was owez like that... my heart lets me forget...
i wont anymore...

the rest... i leave it to faith.. just follow where it'll bring me to... im tired of thinking anymore... thinking too much and being too honest didn't get me anywhere... it'll juz hurt me over & over again... so screw it..

p/s: dis is me growing up



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Hectic week

Done a lot of things dis week for d kids but it's all worth it.. esp today.. we all had so much fun doing class activities.. not only they got to know each other well but i also got to know them better... it's a good feeling to have done meaningful things for others...

but as for now... i'm fungry, tired and well... alone...

p/s: desperately needing a genie in a bottle.... i'm very much starving to death but my body is juz too tired to even move an inch.... sigh~~~  can someone juz bring me food puhleeeeeezzzzzzz @.@~~~


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Missing/needing someone too much hurts... I quit!!!

They said they love u but u have to fight for their attention... sounds so wrong right...? yes i dont understand.. becoz u're on my mind most of the time & when things happened, it's u i wanna share it with.. good things, bad things, anything... but what's the point when i'm the least of ur concern...  my life centered around u.. but u hardly see it... i miss the moment where u used to make me feel important.. coz now it feels the opposite....

#cryingmyselftosleep #caretoomuchsucks #iwontbotheranymore #whatdoesntmattertouwontmattertome


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The worst thing...

It's bad enough when u're going through tough time alone... but it's worst when u're alone and no one bothers to care :( #sad


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You Know You've Fallen in Love When.....

1. Stuck
U feel a strong bond between each other though the bond is invisible but ironically everyone can see it... Literally u feel very much connected.. even when u're in a fight and think that he's the most annoying person on earth, eventually he's still the one that u want to be with... and when hot vampires pass by, u might has your eyes on him and think that he's cute and all but that's the closest place he'll be, in ur eyes... coz ur heart already belongs to another...

2. Parents
U'll start to introduce each other to ur parents and family members... U want him/her to be included in any of ur family events or occasions..

3. Friends
U'll proudly introduce him/her to ur all of ur friends and colleagues doesn't matter boys or girls.... soon, ur friends became his and his friends became yours.... the best part, u trust each other among these friends.... jealousy is out of the picture..

4. Outings
U make plans.... lots of plans (dinner, movies, sports, hiking, travelling etc.) ....together... doesn't matter if it's only the two of u or together with friends... u don't mind others tagging along, as long as u're together...

5. Daily report
Huh?? Why do everything needs reporting.... Naaaahhh... u do it naturally, without even thinking... u just want him/her to know what u're doing, what u're up to, where u're about to go... basically u want to update each other about urself, in real time.... and somehow it feels wrong or weird if u don't "deliver ur daily report"

6. Comfortable
Needless to say? Being comfortable around each other is ur greatest trait... u can do anything together... there's no more walls between u.. u're him & he's u....u can say anything even if it's annoying.. u can just be yourself & be silly together...

7. Communication
U say a lot of things to each other... u share opinions, advice, and sometime u argue and even debate on certain topics... the point is, u just love talking to each other.... endlessly...

8. Financial
U dont mind spending for each other... when u buy things for him/her, it felt like u're buying it for urself and it makes u happy...  u start to have future plans with each others in it and u'll working to make it happen..


and the list might goes on....






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